journal/me/my-feelings.md

My Feelings

I came to this country for our relationship, to see where it goes. I did not necessarily come to become Swedish, take SFI, being a dog owner has been nice but not my goal. I am here for us but to do that I must be able to make sure that I am taking care of myself as well meaning taking breaks when I am burning out. Knowing when I am taking a bit more than I can chew, etc, etc...

To grow together, grow as a person. Not necessarily for fun because I already found fun in Canada.

• Even with all other social interactions gone I cannot seem to give my family the attention/support that they need.
• Social interactions
  • Connecting better
  • Not able to find time to connect with people.
  • Not finding time to talk about things properly
  • Selective on what times we spend together
• Increased isolation
• Bad outlooks on life
  • If I am getting my license I don’t want expectations to do anything else for the day.
  • Pessimism.
  • Not finding things exciting.
  • Not a celebratory person, ie don't care about celebrating my birthday, there are plenty of days that I can enjoy just as much or more.
  • Gift giving does not mean much to me.
• Capacity
  • Being able to spend time how I want.
  • Lots of outlets I can enjoy but kitchen chores and work seem to be the only ones feasible
  • Feeling the freedom to go to work cafes.
  • To go to work cafes I need the time and availability, ie walking there and not being stressed coming back. Must also feel 'productive' being there?
  • Not enough recovery time
• Taking administrative action.
  • Doing things vs thinking about things
• 2025 was a difficult year in many ways for me.
• Frictions upon leaving.
  • take dog out immediately met with extra conditions before leaving
  • Bring hat that I was okay with not bringing
  • fixing loop for bottle
  • jacket
  • Find phone
  • Initially wanted to leave together, now we are in the same situation that we were in the beginning
  • Packing a backpack
  • cable
• Having hobbies eats your time
• Bad outlooks - life is a chore
• Lots of options to do things but blocked by responsibilities. Can’t do things how/when I want to do it
• Night Time
  • Night time walks can ruin nighttime sleep feeling.
  • All 'fun things' are during the day time leaving only the activity of coding at night.
• Very different thinking
  • I like quick decisions for small things
  • Only do things that are high priority or that I am only capable of doing

Frictions

• Wanting to be able to just do simple things without friction.
• Tiring changing paradigms
• Asking specific time of when task will be done causing pressure and not the ask about the specific task
• Emotionally draining each other.
• Mismatch in what we care about.
  • How we feel about holidays.
  • How we feel about everyday tasks.
  • Priorities seem wrong at times. Video gaming/television > Niko > chores
• Thought friction
  • Reasonable vs unreasonable requests?

Annoyances

• Not meeting in the middle.
  • I'll cook you clean?
  • Expressing opinion/hungry/tired
  • Being able to sit in feelings and be upset.
• Not being able to just be myself
  • Responding with more interest.
  • Being happy when I am not.
• Being in the way?
  • Bothered by small things ie turning off lights. Feels like I can’t do anything
  • Quiet periods - Too early, too late, in a meeting, don't want noise.
  • Bubble respect
  • Cannot ask too many questions in short period of time?
• Cannot set boundaries
  • Doing things if you can?? I did not want to move a step aside for Kristina walking Niko

Incapabilities

• Being able to read the room and act accordingly.